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1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3. "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
6. A g-string is part of a violin.
7. Semen is another word for "sailors."
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."
9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke."
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16. A condom is an apartment complex.
17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry.
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles.
20. An erection is when Japanese vote for their new government
officials.
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus.
29. A vulva is an automobile from Sweden.
30. A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set.
31. Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger.
32. Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign languages.
33. Phallus was a city on the Nile.
34. VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11.
35. Herpes was a Greek god.
36. A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk.
37. The ben-wa ball is held every year in Tokyo on June 1.
Maturity
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old
females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still
trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work.
Hats
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Groceries
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the
things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only
items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a
half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything
that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his
cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10
items or less lane.
Magazines
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy
and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is
437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be
ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call
and finishes putting on her makeup.
Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag
from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the
desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Mirrors
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface,
mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola's head.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit
her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call
the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in his house.
Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to
be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men
will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks
like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general
neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he
was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
health club and dates only married women.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.
Nicknames
With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like
"Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk,
Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one
another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys. A they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and
silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.
Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything
that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of
the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better
pictures.
Locker Rooms
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women,
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They
are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Laundry
Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about
eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take
his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to met
beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by
old reruns of Love American Style.
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